TMZ

This whole freelancing thing has its perks. Because I make my own schedule, I can schedule interviews around my shows.

That’s because at 12:30 p.m., if I’m not out of the house, I sit down with my Dr Pepper and Cheeots and watch the best show on television: TMZ.

TMZ stands for thirty-mile zone. I bet you didn’t know that. What this means is that TMZ only tapes within a thirty-mile zone. So if a celebrity comes into that zone, TMZ tapes them. If they don’t want to be taped, then they shouldn’t go into the TMZ zone. Plus, I don’t feel bad about celebrities having to deal with the paparazzi because they’re attention whores who live for grown men with cameras to video them.

paps

People are always like, ‘You shouldn’t care about celebrities. You should care about what your local politicians are doing.’

Umm, why would I care about this old white man…

politican

…when I could care about this old white man?

clooney

They’re called entertainers for a reason — because they’re entertaining. They’re called politicians for a reason — because they’re crooks and liars.

TMZ is the greatest show on TV right now because it’s hilarious and it feeds into everyone’s celebrity obsession.

“The Kardashians are my guilty pleasure. Except there’s no pleasure. Just guilt.” -Emily Stines

First, you have Harvey Levin, who is like the teacher and the newsroom is the classroom. Not only is he in charge, but he also writes on a board. (BTW- I didn’t know Harvey was gay until like a week ago when my father informed me. How dumb am I? Don’t answer that.)

harvey

Like, why????? Are we going to be tested over this at the end??? Was anyone taking notes?? Can I borrow someone’s notes? Did he post them on Blackboard???

Everyone stands or sits in their assigned spots, while Harvey leads the discussion. It’s just like class except it’s a classroom with only class clowns.

But the board and Harvey’s green marker do come in handy when he begins to draw charts and diagrams.

You see, Hollywood is just like high school — except smaller.

For instance, friends Taylor Swift and Reese Witherspoon have both dated Jake Gyllenhaal. Jake dated Kirsten Dunst. Taylor went on a date with Garrett Hedlund. Garrett and Kirsten are now dating. THAT’S CALLED A LOVE OCTAGON or something like that.

exes

The second best thing about TMZ is its hilarity because like I said, they’re all class clowns. Everyone is funny. Except the girls. And it pains me to say that because I love funny women, but these women take everything way too seriously. Like, cool your jets. This ain’t CNN. It’s TMZ.

But I really just miss this guy.

tmzblonde

Also, the questions the cameramen ask the celebrities are so effing funny.

The questions are completely off-the-wall.

“If you had a pool in your backyard and you could fill it with any kind of food in the world, what would you fill it with?”

Like, #what.

And the narrator. OMG. His voice. The singing. The horribly lame jokes. It’s all too much and too funny.

And have I mentioned the people are hilarious? I just want to work there.

Also, TMZ gave us this video and I’m not positive the world will ever be the same.

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