Girl Most Likely hits close to home

*I am famously known to be really pretty hate movies and hate sitting still for more than 90 minutes. With that said, I can watch 5 hours straight of trashy reality TV because bathroom breaks.

**Also, I never truly understand a movie because I’m stupid. Read this Jack Ryan review for proof.

Last night I was browsing Netflix when I saw my girl Kristen Wiig.

pretty

pretty

I have been told by a few people I remind them of her probably because I do a killer Penelope impression.

penelope

I’m kidding. I don’t. I think it’s because of this scene in Bridesmaids.

dancing

Anyway, I read the description for one of Wiig’s movies Girl Most Likely.

Screen Shot 2014-06-27 at 11.14.48 AM

Ouch.

Ok, ok, ok. How much could this movie really be like my life?

Well, first things first, she’s a writer.

accurate

HAHAHA. So there’s that.

She dreams of being famous and this is also my dream, something you would know if you’ve ever read about my willingness to marry a Duggar just to be on TV.

She loses her job and her boyfriend and then fakes her own suicide, leading her to have to move back in with her gambling-addicted mother.

(I don’t have these problems, but post-grad life is hard, ok?????)

Me just this Wednesday

Me just this Wednesday

She walks into her childhood bedroom to find this hunk renting out that space.

ok then

ok then

I’M SORRY, ICE AND CHERYL. Why didn’t I come home to that after college????

Anyway, the entire movie is about her trying to get her life back together after faking her own suicide and losing everything and realizing her dad isn’t really dead and Matt Dillon also lives in the house and Kristen (Imogene is her character’s name) wears really cool thrift shop-looking clothes the entire time.

Ok, so Glee boy (Lee is his name in this movie, but I’m told he also plays a gay man in Glee) drives her to New York to help find her dad and because of this, she now owes him AND YES SIR, I’LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. So to pay him back, she goes and watches him in his Backstreet Boys cover band show.

leeboyband

And this is when we see Imogene start to fall for the man singing and dancing while wearing eyeliner like all of us girls tend to do.

You don’t??????

HAHA. Well this is one of the many places Imogene and I are alike. We like our men like we like our hygiene products. FEMININE. He’s literally impersonating a boy from a boy band and I’ve never been so attracted to a man in my life.

hahahaha what's the matter with me.

hahahaha what’s the matter with me.

After the show, they go out dancing and drinking and of course, fall in love on the dance floor like any good movie.

leeandimogene

They kiss. He takes off his shirt. I walk away from the TV to cool myself down, while also applauding Kristen Wiig, a 41-year-old, for doing whatever it took to star alongside this hunky hunk 27-year-old. Props, girl.

kristenanddarren

HERE COMES SOME SPOILERS (also no more gifs, so really what’s the point).

She meets her dad, who is alive and not dead like her mom told her. (I also plan on telling my kids their dad is dead when I kick him out of the house.) He turns out to be a jerk just like her mom said. Her mentally ill brother carries around a giant shell thing he made (no one said I was good at movie reviews). She and Lee go to a book signing and tell off her Dutch ex-boyfriend who didn’t come to her rescue when she faked her own suicide.

Everyone returns home except Matt Dillon, who is supposedly in the CIA???????? But when he does come home, a mafia-like man comes and points a gun at everyone, but Imogene saves everyone with her brother’s shell.

Listen, it got weird real quick. BUT THEN IT GOT WEIRDER.

Imogene writes a successful play and people come to see it and the starring actor in it is Julia Stiles.

I’M SORRY. IS SHE EVEN A REAL PERSON??????????? Who is still hiring her to be in things????? Remember when she’s ruined every movie she’s ever been in (Prince and Me and the movie about a white dancer falling in love with a black man are the only ones coming to mind)?????

wut.

wut.

Watch this movie if you find yourself thinking, ‘What is it like to have no boyfriend, no job, and live at home?’ Or just come hang out with me.

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