THERE SHE IS—MISS
AMERICA USA! (Singing voice)
(My mom once asked me if I was going to become the writer known for the strikeout feature. I was like #ok.)
Sunday is the night where 51 (or 52, I don’t know if we still consider the Virgin Islands a real thing) beautiful women stand on a stage and old washed-up TV stars judge them on their beauty and whether they know what’s going on in Syria.
I love beauty pageants. Whether they’re antifeminist or not, I relish in the fact that there could be a hilarious YouTube clip in the morning from a contestant who said something not-so-intelligent.
(I’ve said so many dumb things in my day that I’m pretty sure I could single-handily bring down the nation. Thursday night I asked if Lake Ray Hubbard was empty every summer and then rose back up in a couple of weeks.)
Miss USA is better than Miss America for several reasons. Reasons I can’t simply explain via blog post. They would be better suited for a long walk on the beach, but since you’re reading, here goes nothing:
- Miss USA/Universe is run by Donald Trump and anything that man touches turns to gold.
- Miss USA DOES NOT host a talent portion and this is a very good thing.
- The Miss USA contestants are typically younger and in better shape than Miss America contestants.
- Miss USA contestants are also stereotypically dumber and make for better gifs. (Once again, I have no where to talk.)
But I’m basically the Reality Steve of pageants except I don’t have factual evidence to back up my predictions, just thoughts and observations.
The winner is always a Southern girl. This is because Southern girls are typically prettier than other regions in the States. Also, we’re better at doing our hair and make-up because the higher the hair, the closer you are to Heaven and faith is important to every Southern girl.
If a Southern girl does not win Sunday, I will eat crow.*
*Someone will need to find said crow and deliver it to me because I don’t know of any crow eateries.
(Pageants are usually pretty predictable. During the 2002 Miss America pageant, Miss New York and Miss D.C. were both in the top 5. THIS IS RELEVANT BECAUSE IT WAS RIGHT AFTER THE 9/11 ATTACKS. ARE YOU FOLLOWING, DUMB-DUMB?)
And before you get in some giant hoopla about Miss USA not having a talent portion, know this: These girls’ talents are pageants. ONCE AGAIN, THAT’S OK. Do you know what my talent is? I don’t either, so if you figure it out, call me. These girls have master the art of walking in a bikini, talking in complete sentences, and not grabbing Mario Lopez’s butt when standing next to him.
They’re like the Kardashians — you might think they’re useless, but they’re actually really useful (If you’re a black athlete/rapper and want to marry even richer).
These ladies are the best at what they do in their ENTIRE state. What are you the best at? Bitching on Facebook? Thought so.
When pageants try to do the whole “talent” thing, a grown woman usually ends up in a tutu pretending to have danced her entire life, when in reality she took a two-month crash course.
I’ve interviewed and profiled enough pageant winners (three) to know these girls aren’t dumb. They’re actually kind of smart and passionate. They have to be passionate about at least one thing to make it their platform. Do you know what my platform would be? Probably putting nicer toilet paper in public restrooms so you wouldn’t have to use as much, thus cutting costs altogether. BAM.
Will you watch tonight? Will you unfollow me because of my obnoxious (but insightful) tweets?
XOXO Pageant Paige